Preventing Canine Obesity

“Research” has shown that since The Quarantine has begun, two types of dogs have emerged. Group A - those that are fitter than ever thanks to their CrossFit and FitBit obsessed parents (you know, the ones who have used all of their free time to run miles and miles with their dog); and Group B – those that have been enjoying treats and baking and Netflix just a tad too much. Which is why it’s more important than ever to take proactive steps to keep Fluffy at a healthy weight.

Here are some ways to prevent Quarantine-caused canine obesity:

• Limit your dog to only one food a day that contains the word “Cheez.”

• Make vegetables more appealing by drawing faces of squirrels on them with a marker.

• Carefully cut open a bag of Milk-Bones, replace the treats with baby carrots, and reseal the bag. If your dog is confused, respond, “Huh, I guess they changed the Milk-Bone formula.”

• Provide clear guidelines for what kind of body type you expect your dog to maintain.

• Set a good example by scarfing down grass in front of your dog.

• Dog Fitbit!

• Some “research” has shown that pressuring pups to lose weight can also lead to obesity, so good luck.

Fun Activities to Do With Your Dog in Quarantine

Is your dog bored with all the social distancing? Here are a few of our favorite things to do during the quarantine.

1.Play Games!

No, we’re not talking about playing fuzzy wuzzy Animal Crossing with Fluffy. The new Nintendo game sure is sweet and may occupy Fluffy for hours (the way it does with our kids), but it will not prepare your dog for the Apocalypse. For that, we recommend you and your dog play more educational video games such as Doom, Call of Duty, CS GO, Gears of War, and, if you have a puppy: Fortnite. Your dog will learn how to shoot machine guns and find shotgun ammo, lead elite squads of super soldiers into battle, and build shelter in abandoned cars. Why not combine fun with some practical knowledge for when the world becomes a radioactive hellscape.

2.Find the Treats!

At this point Fluffy knows how to get the peanut butter out of a kong in 2 seconds flat, so why not make things more fun by building a mile-deep, lead-lined subterranean vault where you can both safely live when things really heat up! In the meantime, keep your dog’s mind active by putting some of those tiny little Milkbone biscuits in your fallout shelter’s canned goods stash. 

3.Learn New Tricks

It’s been like 79 weeks in Quarantine, and your dog can finally heel, fetch, sit and meerkat. Bravo! You’re ready for the next level of dog training. Why not teach Fluffy how to kneel at that pantheistic alter that you built to appease the god or gods most likely to return to this world with an insatiable wrath? While you’re at it, teach him to pray, sing hymns, and read prophecies, because you never know when you’ll need those tricks.

This month, the advice is not for You, but for your dog. How to cheer up your Human during the Quarantine: Tips for the Dogs By special Husky guest columnist Arya and Ghost

Dear Fluffy. Your people are home all day, you're never alone anymore, and you get tons of treats, walks, hugs, and scratchies. You're literally living your best life. Awesome!

But, you've noticed your human is a little bit down. Here's some things you can do to get them out of their funk:

1. Lock them out of the house so they can play “burglar”, when they step out for their package. So fun!

2. Start howling as loud as you can when they’re on a business Zoom, then climb into their lap and fart

3. Put black panty hose on your head and jump into their shower with a knife in your jaws; they love those kinds of ninja surprises

4. Spike their coffee with Meth and make them watch Tiger King

5. Counter-surf like there's no tomorrow (which might be the case). Eat all those dinners they're cooking, it'll keep them busy and they'll have less time to ruminate on the End Times.

Last but not least, remind them that you love them, and everything is going to be alright! If that doesn't work, then now is the time to show them that secret Apocalypse bunker that you dug up under the couch. Good luck!

Arya & Ghost

How to Help Your Dog Survive March Madness

With March Madness just around the corner, plus all those blood-rageous political debates, threats of a global pandemic, St. Patrick’s Day, Megxit, Lent, Pete Davidson, and the Russians, we here at dogger think that you need to help Fluffy survive all this bonkers insanity. And how to do that? 

Dog Meditation. That’s right, help Fluffy reduce stress, lower his blood pressure, and reach Nirvana with some nice guided dog meditation. 

First, light a candle and make sure he sits in a comfy lotus position, eyes closed, and focusing on his dog breaths. Next run a tap to fill the room with the sounds of water, so that in his mind Fluffy will get carried away like a cherry blossom on a gentle sparkling stream. Then burn some incense and tell him to imagine golden liquid butter slowly filling him up from tail to snout. Once he starts his ascent to the highest pinnacle of bliss, help him float in a serene realm of everlasting tranquility by quietly humming any Cat Stevens song. 

After that, give him cheese and Fluffy will be unencumbered by any dog cares, and enter a lotus plane of pure, flawless calm. None of the March Madness will matter, he will be happy, and you will be happy. We promise! 

How to make Valentine's Day the Best Ever for your Dog

February 14th is just around the corner, and you want to make it the best day ever for your one and only Fluffy. What can you possibly do to top last year? Here's what we recommend:

1.Have flowers delivered to Fluffy while you’re at work, make sure they’re good flowers, and by that I mean edible and tasting like meat. Might as well make them be meat flowers then. Is that a thing? If not, just roll up some ham and salami slices and tie together with string cheese or sausage casings and voila. If it’s too much work, just throw the meat slices and/or sausages at Fluffy and that’s good enough too.

2.Make dinner reservations well in advance. But if Jean-Georges, Momofuku, or Masa are already booked, just see #1 above.

3.Choose the perfect gift. It must be very expensive, and so unique that you can’t buy it anywhere. How else will Fluffy know you really love them? Like your grandmother’s antique ruby ring, or your great—grandfather’s Rolex. It’ll look nice on Fluffy’s collar, and if you really want to go the extra mile, bedazzle it with some real diamonds or emeralds. Sapphires will work too.

4.If you have to step out for the evening to spend time with someone else (though who could possibly be more worthy?), you can always leave Fluffy at the dogger HQ for an evening or a night. But book early! Their annual Valentine’s soiree fills up quickly and is full of hot canine singles.

5.Do not let St Valentine down on this, or else he will appear, be very angry at you, and will not give you a treat.